Tick tock

Today is a bad day. I have a lot of these. They usually follow a bad night and this one is no different. A bad night is where intrusive thoughts bombard my brain as often as tick follows tock. You lie there for a while, tiredness envelopes your body but the brain? That’s wide awake. Endlessly shuffling negative thoughts like a devilish spotify. These thoughts can be anything. Think of the worst things that could happen to you, the people you care for, the people you don’t care for. We all have moments where a vile thought enters our mind for a split second, could be anything but then it’s gone. Now imagine it stays there, twisting, turning, developing into something more, something worse each second. But it doesn’t end there; that thought sprouts new shoots, some worse than the original, playing over and over and over in your head, tick tock, tick tock. Desperate you turn the tv on or look at your phone, anything to change the station playing in your own mind.

Then it’s 5 in the morning and you’re empty. Morning light starts to filter in through the blinds and sleep eventually comes as you become too exhausted to stay awake any longer.

What follows this trauma is a bad day. A zoned out, zombielike, lump of a day. Where everything is just too much to deal with and your head is just white noise and fuzzy afterthoughts, too tired to function.

I just pray that the day is gentle with me and tonight is better.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s