What people rarely tell you about mental illness is that you’ll feel angry. We hear all the time about the all consuming depression and distress we feel but we don’t hear about how angry you get.
There are two distinct types for me. One is the underlying anger that bubbles away inside. This might be anger at the illness itself, anger at the injustice of having to live with your condition while others you feel are worse people than you are never touched by it. It might be anger at the way you are seen or treated by society just because you see the world differently to them. It might be anger that has stemmed from current events, something you have seen or read about that really grinds your gears. Whatever it is, this anger is in the pit of your stomach, just sitting there, waiting to come out. Which brings me to anger type number 2. Eruption. This type of anger happened to me today, at the chemist picking up my repeat prescription they didn’t have one of my brain meds and the assistant didn’t understand the gravity of the situation. She was condescending, borderline rude and it set in motion my anger. Rising to the surface of my throat like acid, body tense and adrenaline flowing. I managed to keep it down, sit on my hands. This time I was able to surpress it, though sometimes I’m not and the anger bursts from me. All of that stored anger turns to lava that flows from my body, hot and dangerous.
After these eruptions I feel instant guilt and shame, I usually get very upset as well as tired. I just want to retreat to somewhere quiet and safe. Nobody really talks about the rage we feel, it’s unpleasant to talk about, but I think we must. It’s a part of the process that we shouldn’t ignore.


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