I hold grudges. Not small, irritating, little gripes but huge, grandiose, hatred. I’ve tried to brush them aside, tried to forgive but then something reminds me and the hurt from yesterday has turned into the rage today. I’m not sure if holding grudges is common in people with BPD, but I know it’s common with me. I figure that the great intensity with which I feel love is matched with the intensity with which I feel loathing. Have you ever had that? That feeling of blood boiling, incandescent rage that makes you quake? I have read articles and other blogs about forgiveness, I have been taught techniques in therapy to help aid forgiveness but when I hear or read about them; in the back of my mind is the ever present voice saying no! They deserve you’re venom, they deserve your anger, they don’t deserve your forgiveness. It prevents me from even listening to the benefits of doing it.I’ve always been someone who cuts you off without a word if you betray me. I’ve always found that way easier than long conversations or arguments. Maybe what was really needed was better closure? Maybe by leaving it like an open wound I have never addressed my anger and frustrations?
I know my way of thinking is unhealthy, I know that and yet I still persist in thinking this way. Maybe I just have to accept that this is something that is so ingrained in my persona that I can’t change it? Who knows? For now I’m just trying to avoid it.
Hope you’re all well xxx