I’m so angry with myself.
So I should be at a party tonight. I went I watched the fireworks and then I had to socialise with people. These aren’t strangers, these are people I’ve known for a long time now. But they may as well speak a different language. The difference today is that I couldn’t drink. Alcohol has always been the difference between a good night and a bad one. My medication doesn’t interact well with alcohol so I have no choice but to remain sober, this is a problem for me.
I just found myself standing with people and not being able to contribute anything to conversations. I was ultra aware of everything around me, and everything I was doing. I felt like I was 10 feet tall, and everyone could tell I was struggling.
To cut a long story short I went home. I just couldn’t stay feeling like that. I’m angry and disappointed that my mental illness has held me back again. I feel like I’ve let it win.
It’s made me feel like I have no one that understands. No one that wants to spend time with me. I left without saying goodbye, I haven’t heard from anyone. I don’t feel especially close to any of the people there. I just long for a connection, to click with someone who wants to spend time getting to know me even though I’m terrible at chit chat, and seem a bit cold at first.
Hope you’re all ok xxx