Why does this happen?

I’m sitting here minding my own business listening to some music. So why have I been fighting back thoughts of self harm and suicide? I’m so worked up. My heart is beating so fast, I’m clammy, I just have this massive urge to hurt myself. I don’t know who to call, what to do. I’m waiting for my boyf to get back from work so I can have some company. He won’t be long, I have to keep reminding myself. Trying to let the thoughts slide off, trying not to let them stay. This is what BPD does to me. I’ve got no way of harming myself in the house. I have to just stay here. I’m safe here. Im going to take my meds early to try and calm myself down. Where has this come from? Why today? This is torture.

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