Paranoia

I’m sitting watching shitty TV, it’s late, I’m exhausted but unable to sleep. My mind is being it’s usual bloody minded self. Tonight’s agenda: paranoia. All the recent thinking about friends old and new, has been a fairly positive experience apart from the worries about potential rejections. So to my horror, the last few hours have been spent trying to stop my brain from telling me that all the people I think of as friends, don’t really consider me as such. How the people in my life just put up with me and my bullshit because they were my other halfs friends before mine. I’m trying desperately to change the dialogue I’m having with myself, but unfortunately it’s a familiar story. I have never really felt good enough to have a network of friends such like the one I have now. I don’t feel confident about initiating conversation with them, I have to force myself to do so. I don’t do anything with them unless my other half is with me. This wouldn’t ordinarily be a problem, but it does mean that I can’t converse with people the way I have done in the past with friends I had when I was single. I’m not saying I have particular secrets that I want to keep away from my other half, I am just more aware of myself when he is with me. It’s a bit tricky to explain, but I hope it gives you some idea. My mind is trying to tell me that people are laughing at me, that they see me as desperate. It’s difficult to make and maintain friendships when you are a master of self sabotage. I have always tended to shy away from difficult or scary situations to keep the voice in my head quiet, it may seem like an easier life but actually it’s much harder to go it alone than it is to have friends who support you in your struggles.

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