Confused

I had a weird experience last night which I need to share because it has upset me quite a bit and now I can’t sleep. Hopefully sharing will help me sort it out in my head.

So, I’ve been unwell as you know for a long time now, but some times are worse than others. The last two weeks have been particularly unpleasant; rapid swinging moods, and more dark thoughts than usual. So after a crisis point last Tuesday and a chat with my other half it was decided that I would allow more people in, to extend my close support network and also to give my other half people he could talk with about his concerns which he hasn’t had before now. I carefully drafted a message for the chosen people to read. I was careful to choose my words as I was worried about scaring people. It can be quite difficult to hear a friend is going through a tough time and I didn’t want them to worry that I wasnt safe.

The three people I chose initially were people who I was already quite close to but who didn’t know the extent of my illness. They all took the news well, they asked questions and offered a lot of support and understanding. After talking some more to my other half I decided that I would do the same thing with someone who I was very close to in the past, who I wanted to reconnect with. I sent the message last night. After the initial reactions to my plight, I had expected something similar in this case too. It wasn’t. Instead this person got their wires spectacularly crossed and believed that my words meant I was going to imminently harm myself. To my horror this person posted a message on social media telling people who knew me to contact me urgently. He tagged me in the post and soon I was contacted by people who were obviously very concerned about my welfare. I contacted him and told him I was safe and asked him to remove the post. I received an arsy reply which made me feel like shit, and I spent the next hour explaining to concerned people that I was ok.

To be honest I’ve read the message I sent over and over and got a trusted friend to read it too and although the message is full on, it in no way suggests I was in imminent danger. What upsets me is that by taking this course of action, I have been forced to explain myself to people who weren’t supposed to be in the loop of my support network. The decision about who knows about my struggles has been taken from my grasp and I feel hurt about this. It also suggests that I’m the type of person who is unstable and at risk. I am not this type of person at all. My problems make life difficult, of that there is no doubt but I am in control of my actions and I am well supported by family and friends who make sure I am ok.

The thing is, am I wrong to be so upset about this? Regardless, I am deeply hurt by these actions and it makes me reluctant to share my feelings again. I almost literally feel my walls going up around me again, which is a terrible shame when I’ve only recently felt able to reach out when I need help.

If any of you guys have experience with this kind of scenario, what are your thoughts on it?

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2 thoughts on “Confused

  1. I think some people are more likely than others to react with fear when it comes to any sort of talk about suicide. It really sucks that this person chose to broadcast that fear far and wide rather than talking to you directly about it. Maybe one way of reducing the risk of someone doing this in the future would be to share verbally using a written message as a script, and then if the other person misinterprets you can immediately correct them.

    Liked by 1 person

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