Hopeless

I’ve just spent an hour going through my social media pages as I do every day. As with a lot of people it’s become habitual. In one sense it has been beneficial to me as someone who isolates and doesn’t see people much during the week. It’s a highlight reel of peoples lives, it keep me abreast of what is happening in the world that I’m hidden away from. But in another sense it’s a minefield for highly sensitive people like me. It’s a snippet of good surrounded by the horrors of the world. Scrolling through I shut my eyes when some terror has been photographed that I can’t bear to see, I say no out loud and search desperately for some goodness that I can use to sponge the awful vision from my brain. I fail a lot. Images stay, tucked away in my mind until they decide to haunt me when I’m at my lowest.
I find this world too much, there is so much horror, so much sadness. I just want to hide away from it because I’m too weak to fight. I live in a world that makes my heart break every day. It’s cruel. I know I can’t be the only person to feel this way, but it feels like I am. I can understand entirely why people believe in God, a being that you can turn to in your hour of need. But in my heart a God who can allow so much suffering is no God of mine. We are alone. Evolution has created so much beauty, but in us it has created a being not capable of appreciating it. The monsters that hide under our beds when we are children are now running our countries.
As a kid I always believed that love would conquer all in the end, but as I get older I realise that love is not enough anymore. The love I feel for the world and everything in it, is something I’ve always prided myself on, but it means nothing because I’m too afraid to prove it with my actions. Too beaten down to try. I just hope the next generations will be braver.
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