I think I should be alone right now. It’s a strange feeling. I’m unstable, and trapped inside my own head. I’ve tried distraction but nothing works. I’m paranoid, angry. But most of all I feel vulnerable. Like I said before, I have opened up to people more recently, something I was told would help me. Unfortunately it has just made things worse. I think when you start telling people what it’s really like in your head, you begin to realise how awful this information is. It’s like when nobody understood or knew about it, I could pretend everything was ok. Now it’s out there in the open I’ve got nowhere to hide. So I go back to my failsafe response to that which is to disconnect completely.
I’m struggling to cope with all these emotions, there’s no respite from it. I don’t want to be this broken creature who is pitied. I don’t feel comfortable anywhere. Nowhere feels like home. I’m just so lost. I haven’t felt like this since my huge breakdown a long time ago. Things are just building the way they did before and I don’t know how to stop it. I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks, but I don’t know what they’ll do or what we might achieve. It’s a scary time.