Living with this illness makes you question a lot of things. Most things actually. I think the worst thing for me personally is the practically impossible ability to trust. No matter how close you are to someone, no matter if they have never given you reason to distrust them, you question everything they say. You want with all you have to give them the benefit of the doubt, stand on their shoulders. But you just can’t. People say that a relationship of any kind is built on trust. That trust is a solid foundation that can be relied upon to stop you slipping into the sea. For me it’s a very delicate, fragile thing. You see, if someone is there with me through everything, somewhere waiting inside is the doubt that it will last. I believe there are a few reasons for this. One is that a pessimistic approach to relationships means that nothing is ever unexpected; when someone breaks your trust, you can reaffirm your belief that it was always going to happen. You can tell yourself that you were never foolish enough to allow someone to do that to you. Second, you never actually believe that you deserve good things in your life. That bad luck is something that goes with the territory when you are such a bad person, real or imagined. Third, deep relationships are scary as shit to me, I get so attached that it frightens me and I get this deep need to sabotage it, self destruction is what I’m good at. Any opportunity to push away, I’ll take it.
I want to trust. At one time I probably did. But I can’t remember it. One thing I want you the reader to take away from this is that not being able to trust does not effect my ability to love. If I love you, you’ll have my heart for as long as you give me reason to give it. Love is a solid foundation to build on too right?
Listening to highs and lows by Hillsong