So, I had a full on meltdown in the pub last night. I don’t know why it happened, only that it did. I try my hardest not to let it happen, especially in public but sometimes I pass the point of no return and once it’s passed there’s just no going back.
I disassociated, it happens sometimes when I’m drunk, only last night I was sober. It felt like I was watching myself from outside my body. I find it frightening when it happens and my natural instinct is to get angry about it. While trying to sort myself out at our table a random woman came up to us and told me to smile. I have had this and expect this from clueless men but a woman?! Who has probably experienced being told that herself at some point? Never happened. I was livid. The nerve of this woman who doesn’t know me from Adam, who anyone with a fucking brain cell could see that I wasn’t doing well, would leave me well alone, but no, she didn’t. How I restrained myself from the massive urge to chin her, I have no idea. Thankfully she got the message and moved away, but I’m still seething about it today. Just a heads up to anyone who hasn’t got the memo DON’T ASK ANYONE TO SMILE! It’s not hard to grasp, you don’t know what someone is going through. Just imagine how you would feel if some random told you to smile. You wouldn’t appreciate it, I guarantee it. So please, for the love of God, don’t do it.
Today I’m pretty tired and miserable. I feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about my behaviour. I try very hard to keep my emotions in check where I can, and this just feels like I’ve opened a can of worms. I’m sick of being so volatile all the time. The psychiatrist never seems all that bothered when I tell them I feel unstable and unpredictable. I just feel like I ruin a good time.