I’ve been doing so well for a couple of weeks and everything has seemed better. Now I’m not doing well and everything seems bad again. I’m paranoid that those closest to me don’t want me around when I’m ill, that I’m too much hassle. I think my brain may be lying to me, but in these moments of solitude it’s easy to believe it. I don’t want to think that my friends don’t mean it when they say they are there for me. I don’t want to be paranoid, but I am. So terrified of abandonment I convince myself that they were never there to begin with, so that it doesn’t hurt as much. This isn’t fair to them at all. I do them a disservice when I act this way. I do them a disservice every time I ask for reassurance, which can be multiple times when I’m poorly. Being this way makes me a shitty friend sometimes, it also makes me isolate when I need my friends most of all so it is unfair on myself as well.
Published by Abominable Bell Blog
I am at the tail-end of my thirties, starting afresh as a singleton, moving into my own place by myself for the first time in my life, all while navigating life after lockdowns and living with Borderline Personality Disorder. This blog will be my journal. Some little bits about me to get you started. I love Godzilla, pizza, animals (except frogs), reading and vodka. View all posts by Abominable Bell Blog