A shitty friend

I’ve been doing so well for a couple of weeks and everything has seemed better. Now I’m not doing well and everything seems bad again. I’m paranoid that those closest to me don’t want me around when I’m ill, that I’m too much hassle. I think my brain may be lying to me, but in these moments of solitude it’s easy to believe it. I don’t want to think that my friends don’t mean it when they say they are there for me. I don’t want to be paranoid, but I am. So terrified of abandonment I convince myself that they were never there to begin with, so that it doesn’t hurt as much. This isn’t fair to them at all. I do them a disservice when I act this way. I do them a disservice every time I ask for reassurance, which can be multiple times when I’m poorly. Being this way makes me a shitty friend sometimes, it also makes me isolate when I need my friends most of all so it is unfair on myself as well.