After two hellish days and a couple of difficult weeks, today I’m full of sadness. I’ve come to a realisation that for all this time of knowing about BPD and living with it how I can, I have been in denial about how many of the more negative traits I actually present with. One of the things I pride myself on is my kindness, the tolerance I have for people. The massive empathy I feel with everyone’s troubles and issues makes me a target for people who want to get stuff of their chests. I’ve never minded this. I try to be a good friend, I have the ability to take the piss out of myself and my situation, I still have the ability to laugh.
However, I am also incredibly self destructive. I am actually dependant on other people who I have been relying on to keep my mood positive or stable. It’s a precarious tight rope to walk on. Any change in situation whether real or imagined, any change in tone, has a massive impact on my state of mind. This makes me and I’m ashamed to say it, angry, upset, paranoid and very difficult to live with. I become genuinely self deprecating, at first blaming the difference in situation, and then myself. I search for reassurance from the people I care about, which makes me needy. I write texts that could best be described as click bait, needlessly provocative so that I get a response, good or bad, it doesn’t matter which. These actions could easily be described as manipulative, aggressive, attention seeking. Things that until now I have considered to be descriptive of other borderlines not me. This makes me sad and ashamed. I don’t want this to be a part of me and my story. I certainly don’t want others to consider me this way. I guess out of everything I’ve ever written about my personal experience of BPD, this is both the most honest and most difficult. All I know and want others to know is that I really don’t want to be this way. It’s a symptom that I need to try and get a hold of and deal with. With that in mind I’ve bought a book of DBT techniques for handling these symptoms, in the hope that it will help me face it.