Being like me is difficult, but being someone who cares about me is just as hard, if not harder sometimes. My emotional world is a minefield. Some days, hours, minutes, my mood can change. Not just my mood but my whole personality sometimes, just on natures whim. Some things are funny to me in one moment, or deeply upsetting the next. Things get a bit easier the more you know me, but it’s never truly obvious which Steph you’re going to get. I try to behave the way I believe I should, I’m unfailingly kind which is a credit, but I can be incredibly cruel without meaning to be. To try and hold the reins on the pony that is my brain is to be in a state of constant vigilance. No matter how calm I appear I’m always trying to figure things out. I may be trying to come down from a high, or riding out a particular storm. I may be trying to get close to someone, or be pushing them away. I’m always wondering if I’m doing the right thing. People don’t tend to realise that living in this constant state of flux is exhausting mentally and physically. It’s hard for people to comprehend living this intensely, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
What we need is for you to be straight with us. Never lie, we will work it out. Also don’t worry about trying not to upset us, it’s pretty pointless because we will find a way to upset ourselves without meaning to.

Listening to Neil Young – Harvest moon


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