Listening to Lamb – Gorecki
I’m not a valuable, contributing member of society. I am standing on the periphery looking in at what I could have won like a disappointed game show contestant.
How is it possible to be surrounded by people and still be completely alone? A night out, so normal to most, can be and mostly is a night of carefully trying to navigate a series of potential triggers; triggers that I don’t really understand. Some are a complete surprise, some careless word or glance, some conversation that I find confronting. Nobody knows when this happens, it’s a hidden disturbance. Sometimes I can continue as normal, sometimes this disturbance manifests in my actions. Withdrawal from the conversation, reaching for my phone to concentrate on something else. Dissociation, drifting off into space, disengaging from reality.
I have always taken great care to hide these things from people. Be as neurotypical as possible, because these things, these thoughts I have, scare people. I protect myself from judgement by never getting too close to anyone. Don’t get me wrong there is a pseudo closeness if you like, I give what I want away, but never all of it. You will never get full disclosure from me. I guess that could be perceived as manipulative, if someone feels close to me and it isn’t reciprocated. It is in your best interests not to know everything, and it is in my best interests not to be left vulnerable.
All this doesn’t mean I don’t want to be close to people. Of course I would love to be neurotypical, be involved in life, but that wasn’t who I was destined to be.