TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE (p.s. I’m not in danger please don’t worry mom)

So, Nembutal. After some research this seems to be the drug of choice. It requires only a relatively small dose to be fatal. You may recognise it as pentobarbital, it’s used in Texas for their lethal injection. Trouble is it’s illegal in the UK, but after a few searches I found suppliers ready to ship it for a price. Trouble is according to a site I’ve been looking on, there are fakes and scams, it lists some definite fakers but they aren’t going to have found them all.
Regardless for around $1000 I could have some delivered.
Next is administering the drug itself. They are usually capsules which the website suggests I should open and empty into a glass or 2 of booze. It tastes incredibly bitter so the tricky part is keeping it down; and if you’re sick chances of overdose are decreased. The alcohol is useful because it increases the potency of the drug. Then if all goes swimmingly, I get sleepy, go to sleep and gone in around 45 to an hour. That makes it sound easy but there are some pretty significant side effects apart from the obvious. Scary stuff like living but with permanent brain damage. The website I have been visiting suggested that to make doubly sure of effectiveness I should make use of a plastic bag, this is pretty straightforward. The thing that bothered me about it was that it instructed that I should put on loud music or TV and do it in a room where nobody could hear me if I struggled. It’s not the peaceful ending I have envisaged.
Then of course is the question of where. I don’t know the answer to that.
The alternative is Switzerland. It’s quite a straightforward process really. I would have to prove to a Swiss or German doctor that I was making the right decision. It has to be one of their doctors because it’s obviously illegal in the UK.
For just over 5K they will carry out my wishes. The drug is administered intravenously so no real chance of sickness and I wouldn’t be alone. Trouble is my next of kin would have to foot the bill to get me home afterwards. So ideally I would pay just over 11K and they would sort everything out on my behalf.
Unfortunately I couldn’t have loved ones with me. Due to the law in the UK punishing people with up to 14 years in prison for assisting a suicide.
This blog is certainly not an easy read but I need to raise an important point that nobody seems to mention. As someone who is sometimes consumed by thoughts of suicide and thinks about it literally every day of my life, I have considered how many others are like me. People who for whatever reason are looking for a route out of Earth have access to a network of websites that will tell you to the exact detail what to do to complete your mission. As an advocate for euthanasia in the most severe circumstances I still see this ease of access to be problematic. On the one hand I believe that this information is important for people if they want advice on how to end their lives in a way that doesn’t cause unnecessary suffering. But on the other, the websites I have been visiting for the last week have zero guidance for potentially saving lives. There are no crisis numbers for any country, no links to helplines or sources of help for those in crisis situations. The only protection they provide is to cover their own backs with a generic are you over 18 yes or no button before you enter the site. It is deeply troubling to me that anyone can utilise this information regardless of whether they are past the point of no return.
I’m going to be sending this blog to my local mp to see what they say. Regardless of my opinions on euthanasia I believe we need to save as many of the lost as possible.


Listening to Demi Lovato – Warrior


2 thoughts on “TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE (p.s. I’m not in danger please don’t worry mom)

  1. When I was looking into Nembutal a couple of years ago the a big deterrent for me was that if it got caught at customs coming into the country you could end up with police at your door.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly that! I thought the same thing to be honest. As if the person ordering the stuff isn’t already deeply traumatised.

      Liked by 1 person

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