This is hard to write so please be gentle with me kind reader.
As all of you who read my blog probably know, I have been having a troubled few months. My BPD has been uncontrolled for a while now. Being treatment resistant has meant that drugs that usually help handle the traits are not so useful to me. For the last two weeks I have been having regular contact with my crisis team, every other day by phone. They have been useful and unfailingly kind. I’ve been living for the weekend and keeping as much of the rubbish inside my own head. So, what’s going on? Well I’ll tell you. I have been experiencing something called dissociation, this is relatively new to me. Basically it feels like I am leaving my body for a while. This can last minutes or longer, sometimes I feel it happen, usually I have no idea and just kind of wake up. Either way it is unsettling. I’ve been hearing noises that nobody can hear. Scratching behind the walls and dragging sounds mainly. I know they aren’t real, I tell myself they aren’t real, but it doesn’t change them. I had persuaded myself that somehow they were something unnatural, that something was coming for me. As an atheist, this is something new entirely and let me tell you, fucking frightening. Along with these new additions, I have felt the lowest I’ve ever felt as well as the angriest because I have felt that I am out of control.
Today it took three doctors to tell me how ill I really am right now. To persuade me that I need extra help because I’m a danger to myself. Even now I’m battling with my brain because as I write this it’s telling me I’m fine and everyone else is delusional. If you don’t believe I have it in me to be cruel you should hear what I’m saying to myself over and over and over again.
As of now, I am under the home treatment team with people who will be making regular checks. I have a couple of new drugs to add to my collection, but today I’m just going to rest. I need to.
Hope you are all ok.
Listening to The piano guys – Beethovens five secrets