I’m sitting in bed after a shower. A shower helps me to wash off whatever is on my mind. It doesn’t last very long but it feels good at the time. Getting clean is very therapeutic for me. Some days I can’t shower because I’m too poorly and I always feel worse for it; not that it makes any difference.
While I’ve been sitting here I got to thinking about one of my favourite movies, Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. I remember years ago I would watch it and wonder how anyone could willingly erase someone from their memory. At the time I couldn’t figure out why someone would delete someone they loved or had loved, and yet, here I am wishing I could just delete all memory of some people, wishing I could by deletion avoid the pain I’m going through right now.
The saying goes that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I call bullshit on that, absolute bullshit. Heartbreak is all consuming, overwhelming agony. If I could choose to have never loved at all, I would. I wouldn’t have in the past, but as I get older my mindset has altered somewhat. It’s self preservation really.