You would think that after all of these years living with my personality disorder, that I would be well equipped to deal with emotionally traumatic things. Truth is I’m not, and I don’t think I ever will be. It never gets any easier. To be honest it’s alway been my fault when something goes wrong, it’s always me, and trust me, I hate that about myself; but sometimes as hard as I try to be somebody to love, I ruin things. I lose control and once I’ve noticed it has gone it’s too late and the damage is right there where I left it. I am so hard to get close to. The closer someone gets to me, the less I trust them. If I love you I need you to realise that it’s effectively like I’ve given you a loaded gun pointed at my heart, trusting you not to pull the trigger. I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of myself. Just for once it would be nice to be the person I want. If I hurt you, I’m so so sorry. I’ve never once in my life purposely hurt someone. I just get scared to grow close to people, and fear makes people do strange things.
Published by Abominable Bell Blog
I am at the tail-end of my thirties, starting afresh as a singleton, moving into my own place by myself for the first time in my life, all while navigating life after lockdowns and living with Borderline Personality Disorder. This blog will be my journal. Some little bits about me to get you started. I love Godzilla, pizza, animals (except frogs), reading and vodka. View all posts by Abominable Bell Blog