Covid 19 and my BPD

With all of the distress and worry Covid 19 is generating around the world, it’s easy to feel helpless and vulnerable. Our hands are somewhat tied in these circumstances as there are only so many actions we can take to protect ourselves and others, which means that a lot of this is down to chance or pure bad luck. This is something that doesn’t sit well in my mind as a person with BPD. I have serious difficulties with relinquishing control in any situation, and this has the unique horror of being invisible to our eyes and impossible to contain with any quantifiable accuracy. Here in the UK we have been given guidance on how to best protect ourselves from harm, but nobody really, however educated they may be, can give us reliable data because it’s pretty much impossible to know how this will pan out, that is the nature of a pandemic, and also something we haven’t come across since 1912 I believe. I have managed to contain my anxiety fairly well up to this point, but as things ramp up, and more press conferences are held, the harder it is for me to hold it at arms length. Yesterday the people of the the UK were told to begin social distancing. We were given a list of places we should avoid. “Should”. A few years ago this would have been a non-issue for me. I was completely isolated from the outside world by choice and had been for a couple of years. This was the result of untreated BPD and my life was just a shell. I worked incredibly hard and still do to initially leave the house, and then begin to rebuild relationships with people I had lost during my hermitude. It’s only really been in the last 12 months that I have regained some bonds and a life that has some meaning. That being said I think it’s important to recognise that while most of the memes and gags are about how introverts are living the dream right now, the people like me who genuinely need the companionship of others outside of the usual 4 walls are being impacted in ways that some people just don’t comprehend. As of now, I am healthy physically. As are the people I see often. I carry out the necessary safeguards such as regular hand washing, etc. And yet, Im in a quandary because I don’t think I can see the people I love in case Im judged for doing so. You may not understand what it’s like to physically and mentally rely on physical human interaction. I don’t need you to. I just hope it helps you see that this is an issue for some of us and we may need more reassurances, more kind words than usual. If you have any thoughts or questions feel free to ask in the comments. Be safe out there. X

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