All of the articles I have read, all the information I have taken in about BPD since my diagnosis, have talked about the difficulty BPD individuals have in maintaining relationships. Whether that is romantic or platonic. This disorder can certainly cause problems in that area, we usually have trust issues, we may be clingy, jealous, angry a lot of the time to name a few.
What I haven’t seen mentioned is how love actually feels to someone like me.
Well, let me tell you, it’s no picnic.
To almost get relationships out of the way, I will drastically oversimplify by saying that relationships of any kind are as precarious as you have already been told or have read about. They require a lot of work on our end just to be perceived as barely normal. That is hard enough. Yadda yadda yadda. But what about what you don’t get told?
Here is a fairly brief explaner.
So, I fall in love all the time. It’s not how you think, it’s not like how a neurotypical usually loves. I fall in love with pieces. The way a word is handwritten on a page, the delicacy or roughness of someones hands, the cupids bow upon someones lips, the way a dogs fur feels on my skin. Just pieces. Sometimes I feel love arrive, I feel it from the feet up. Sometimes love hits me so quickly and without warning that I forget how to deal with it appropriately. When this happens I will usually cry, and when I say cry, it’s like turning a tap on. A love induced panic attack perhaps is a fairly good way to describe it. This happens when I see a disabled animal having a great day at the beach or something like that. (Disclaimer. That may be weird to some of you, but hey we are all different right?)
I’m hoping that this reaches someone who understands all of this, and if you don’t, well thank you for getting this far. It’s a strange thing, falling in love with countless things every day. I often see it as a terrible curse. To love so much feels so terribly foolish in a world that continually beats you with misery. But I guess this is just how I have always been and in some small way I hope it means something to someone.