BPD. Covid. Bullshit.

I’m going to start off by saying that I don’t think anybody really reads this shit that I put out every now and again. To be honest, that’s probably a good thing in a way because I tend to give too much of myself away. Well I believe I do anyway.

So lockdown. What a crock of absolute shit. Everyone has experienced it differently. At all different points on a spectrum. The best being perhaps discovering new hobbies, talents, a passion for baking banana bread. The worst being higher rates of domestic violence, suicide, psychiatric hospital admissions. I have been at varying points of this spectrum, not really getting too close to either extreme. However as time goes on it is becoming apparent that I am not going to be hitting the more positive half anytime soon.

You see as a borderline, I need a shit ton of validation from people that I am not a pest, pain or any other negative. Unfortunately this can only really be achieved by a steady stream of Skype calls and text messages from the people I care about. This isn’t plain sailing. People are working from home in some cases which means people aren’t in a position to text. This isn’t an issue in a normal scenario, however because we are in lockdown I’m finding myself more and more needy for connections that I wouldn’t usually be quite so desperate for.

Then there is the lack of my favourite person. This has been nightmarishly hard. Trying to remain calm and not hysterical when I have no contact for a while is becoming unbearable. I haven’t really seen too many people complaining about this, but I’m pretty sure it’s an issue nonetheless.

My rapidly changing moods have been far more apparent than usual. Obviously, when I’m particularly poorly they are a heavy burden, but I can usually cope with them. These unprecedented times have made quite the mess in my head. My moods can change in minutes from joyous to bereft. I am finding anger a massive challenge. I have anger about the situation that is unresolved and probably will be until life returns to some semblance of normality. For instance this afternoon I threw my phone because it wouldn’t load the page for the perfect scrambled eggs. In fairness, I am quick to temper sometimes, but that is extreme even for me.

I guess for those of you out there who show the vaguest interest in the bullshit I post, things are not good, they are far from good right now, but we are in this together.

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