I haven’t written anything for a long time now, so I figured for those interested I would fill in the blanks.
I’ve been unhappy for a long time, different from the usual BPD stuff; something else. I have felt listless , overwhelmed, disappointed. I feel like I need to return to a saved point like in a video game.
I’ve never known, ever, what I wanted to be when I grow up. The nature of BPD is that some of us, myself included, are very “faddy”. We fall in love with different ideas, hobbies, trends, and then out of nowhere we have zero passion for them at all. I think in a lot of ways this is why some of us find it so hard to hold down a job, or find it hard to find them in the first place. With personalities that change in an instant, sometimes numerous times a day, it can be difficult to maintain regular routines. My psychiatrist basically said that my unpredictability would prevent me from ever holding down or remaining in a regular job. I would love to prove them wrong, and lately I’m on the job sites every day trying to find something that may just be the one I can stick at.
I think I am just craving a “normal” life. Where I can support myself fully and not be in any way dependent on other people. I want to be able to listen to work chatter and not feel uncomfortable. I want to be able to head to the pub at the weekend and moan about my job the way other people do, but still head back there on Monday without much mental resistance. But most of all I want to be truly self-sufficient. I want to be able to change my life without fear of becoming destitute because I have no funds. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to have total control of my life and not rely on anyone else. I want to be confident enough with myself that I won’t care what other people think of me anymore.
I just want to have my own back.
Love to you all x