So every Wednesday I go to the pub with a couple of friends. Because of anxiety and other mental interference I go early. Not just half hour early, oh no. My friend’s get there around 8pm. I get here just after 5pm.
As you can probably imagine I am necking vodka to try and silence the twitches and terror I feel about being out of the house. So, rather than sitting hating on most people while scrolling through endless social media; I thought, this is the perfect time to blog. Also the vodka softens me enough to be brutally honest, rather than bottling the emotions. As this is the first time I’ve done it, whether it is a great or shitty idea remains to be seen.
Anyone who was reading my blog in the past will know me as Lilblondezombie. You will notice that has changed to Abominable Bell. I guess I fancied a change that reflects how I’m less zombie-like and much more generally grouchy, verging on angry and difficult to spot in the wild. (Something like that anyway)
I have BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. It has other names, EUPD is a common and relatively new one. I’ve definitely heard it described with many expletives and quite frankly they are all justified. It’s a disorder that turns my brain into a total horrorbag. Yes my brain is a horrorbag. Sometimes she tries to kill me by telling me that I am worthless. Sometimes she’s more subtle and instead of just coming out with her bullshit, she instead makes me distance myself from people I love until I feel hopeless. I’d probably say BPD is like a parasite, just digging it’s claws into my brain. The only difference is that at least most parasites don’t want to actively murder their host. This bitch really couldn’t care less what happens to me as long as I hate it.
I feel kinda bad for saying horrible things about my brain. I mean, she doesn’t have a choice about what BPD is doing up there. She is just as pissed with it as I am.
Anyway. I’m getting a bit lost in the details.
I decided to start my blog again because I’ve reached a critical point in my life. I am right at the tail-end of my thirties and I am starting again from scratch, having never lived on my own ever, I am heading into the world of the rental flat. It’s a tiny flat for a tiny person. (I’m short and round)
My brain keeps throwing all of the potential horrible things that could happen at me, pretty much all the time which is nice of her. As I can’t work anymore, I am having to navigate the benefit system (UK) It is a fucking depressing minefield of paperwork, and obnoxious people. Thankfully, my mental health team passed my details onto my local council and their welfare and benefits service, and even more thankfully the lady who was lucky enough to look after me and help me through is a great person who I enjoy talking to. Take that BPD you massive prick.
Anyway aside from navigating the politics of the UK benefits system, I have been collecting items for the proverbial ‘bottom drawer’ which in my case needs to be a wardrobe, because I had very little to start with. Question for you guys, how much is a bath towel? Answer: Much more than they should be for something that just dries you.
Also, How many spatulas is enough? Answer: Never enough! Just keep buying new spatulas for the rest of your natural life.
Basically the last week has just been me asking a higher power why this or that costs so damn much.
Obviously when you have a brain like mine you become totally focussed on getting the EXACT thing. For example, 4 days ago I spent an hour and a half looking for a particular saucepan. SPOILER! I still don’t have a saucepan.
Anyway that’s all I have to say for this week.
I’m hoping to get on here every Wednesday and post updates with my progress and what I’ve learned, so please subscribe if you have enjoyed reading my ramblings.
Bye for now