The One For New Year

Bell’s New Year Message
Just a few months have passed since the horrorbag that was 2020 shifted off its mortal coil, and I believe that the events of that year have changed us as a species. No longer content with regular news we have instead completely rejected it. We are no longer interested in anything that couldn’t be used as a theme for an episode of Tales of the Unexpected.
So if 2021 has left you cold amid speculation of further lockdowns and death, allow me to offer some much needed coal for your fires, in the shape of the most batshit news you may have missed through your Covid fishing nets.
So this year saw Canada run out of Maple syrup, a Polish neighbourhood terrorised by a croissant, and news that a man who has been living as a goat says it has been a ‘special time’.
2021 introduced us to a Disney fan dating app called Mouse Mingle, an Elon Musk spaceship shaped like a massive cock and balls and of course, Doug, the worlds heaviest potato weighing in at nearly 8kg.
The last 12 months has shown us that in New Zealand the winner of its annual bird of the year contest was actually a bat. There is a man on a mission to collect a chip from every Wetherspoons in the UK, and that mice and pigs can breathe from their anuses. (Thanks science)
Not only that but this year science has also enabled us to see what a dinosaur butthole looked like thanks to a splendid reconstruction.
But my favourite bit of weird news from this year is a campaign to change the name of the Fire Ant to ‘Spicy Boys’.
I hope these little nuggets of news have in some way lifted your mood and in true Jerry Springer style here are my final thoughts of 2021.
This year has given us so much to be happy for. If you’re still alive, that’s a decent start. I know it’s been tough, I can’t sugar coat a turd and call it an eclair. But I just want you to remember those shared moments you had this year where you laughed with someone. It’s easy to remember the bad times, the way you remember bad service. The bad things tend to hang around more than they should, so maybe you could start holding the good things even harder?
Happiest of New Years to you all.

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