What Being Suicidal Means To Me

Hi folks.

My regular readers will have noticed that content from me has been sparse of late.

I want to just put this one out for you all because it is so very important.

You can’t help but notice that awareness of mental illness is out there fairly commonly these days. There is always a post somewhere about checking in on your friends and loved ones; about asking ‘How are you?’ and listening to the answer carefully. There are posts asking you to notice any changes in mood or disposition.

All of these actions are very important. Of course! I am not going to challenge those actions. I merely want to add something that doesn’t get talked about nearly enough. I think it is because it seems like a hopeless situation, but read on, it isn’t.

I am not alone in being someone who is silently suicidal.

If I am really poorly and feel in danger. I will not talk to you about it. Don’t get me wrong if I am poorly I will usually speak to someone. I will talk about the down days, I will talk to you about feeling sad and hopeless, irritable and angry.

But I will not talk about wanting to die.

Why is this?

If I knew I would tell you. All I know is that I become secretive and the front is on overdrive. My mind is the busiest place on earth and yet somehow I will present with a cheery demeanor like I haven’t got a care in the world.

This is where those actions you are reminded to do with your loved ones are so important to me.

You will never know when I am at the end of my rope. But you sure as shit can help me.

A kind word, a reminder that you are there for me, a genuine ask if I’m ok. All of these things get swept up in the maelstrom that is my brain and attack the bastard. Because one thing it hates is love.

In fact it hates love so much it spends a LOT of time trying to convince me that it doesn’t exist. It spends all my waking hours trying to convince me that I don’t need anybody anymore.

So just remember those kind words you say to someone who doesn’t seem ill may just save someone very much like me.

Be well friends

Steph