I wasn’t intending to write anything today but sitting here in my flat on a miserable Sunday evening in the Midlands I feel compelled to.
The last couple of days have been a bit miserable for me. All of the last week I have been sick with a cold. Thankfully it wasn’t Covid or Monkeypox or anything; just the shitty common cold, but there is really no time like a cold to remind yourself of how much you take clear nostrils and a clear head for granted in your day to day life.
Anyway, when my head started to clear a bit I thought I’d be back to my old self, but as it turns out I haven’t bounced back in the way I hoped. I will say that I still feel permanently exhausted. I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia a good few years ago and to be honest most of the time I can handle my exhaustion levels quite well, but I know I’ve been burning the candle at both ends a bit recently and this is what contributed to my picking up a cold and the consequent exhaustion. I have been trying to rest, and this weekend has been helpful because rest was somewhat enforced by having no plans. The trouble with that is I always see a significant drop in mood when I don’t see my friends at the weekend. It’s something that I have been trying to work on. For example, I have been trying to make little plans for myself, set tasks that I can do while I am forced to stay home. This weekend for instance I have sorted through my CD collection – yes I am that old – and reminded myself of music that I haven’t heard in a long time. I also planned to get some washing done, do some extra reading and so on.
Little things like these tasks allow me to distract myself for a while. The thing is, is this the right way to tackle it? Is distraction all I have in my toolbox? I have been in a low mood funk all weekend – granted some of that low mood is down to tiredness – and well, I’ve realised that even after all these years, I still have problems with my own company.
I think I should specify that the part of my own company I don’t get on with is that horrible little imp that sits in my psyche bullying me all the time. I know that being around my friends allows me to listen to other people and allow them to drown out the noise already inside me. Distraction is the easiest way to keep the imp at the back of my mind for at least a while, but when you are exhausted like I currently am, productivity is not something that comes easily. Thankfully I have this blog that I know has made a positive impact on my little life, since I started utilising it properly. I think the main reason is that my blog is somewhere that the imp isn’t allowed to travel to. It isn’t in control of what I write here, even if it is sometimes in control of my other behaviour or other thoughts.
So as much as my mind is soggy right now, I know deep down that these days have just been a blip. I can congratulate myself that these days I know there are better days ahead, rather than never being able to see the sunshine no matter how hard I looked in the past. I will also have blips like these. Blips are as certain for me as the sunshine days, and I can at least recognise that.
Today is not the rest of my life. Today is just a blip.
Sending all my love