……

I have nobody to talk to. Literally nobody. I do have people who say they are happy to listen and be trusted. But nobody will understand what I’m saying, not even I understand it. All I know for sure is that there are some things that are completely off limits. This is why I’m so lonely all the time. I’m so paranoid about how I feel that I’m scared to even think about it in anyone else’s presence in case they can hear me somehow. Yes it’s illogical but that’s the nature of the beast. I’ve only just been discharged from home treatment. If I go to them again it might mean inpatient. I can’t do that.
I wish I had some valium.

I’m not really alive or dead.