I want to talk about something that doesn’t seem to be covered in many places. They may be out there, and I have missed them, but they have proved elusive to me.
As someone with a lot of mental health issues it would be easy to believe that I spend my whole life miserable or at least melancholic. While this is the case for some of my time, I mainly feel somewhat numb. Emotionless even. I can still socialise with people close to me, I can laugh and make jokes and even (ahem) enjoy myself.
The above is probably common knowledge but what I want to talk about is those times when I feel ELATION. I don’t mean happy, I mean ecstatic. I don’t mean I feel love, I feel like my heart is bursting. I don’t mean I find it funny, I mean I find it hysterical.
This happens now and again. Like tonight. That how I feel, right now.
I feel like I can feel my blood moving through my body. It pulses. Through my arms, my legs. I feel electricity, static, like I could fire bolts of light of lightening through my fingers or from my head. My belly is butterflies. I have a permanent lump in my throat because I have to bottle the very real danger of lovebombing. The need to shower the world with whatever it is that has me in this moment.
There is no particular reason for these emotions to appear. I would say that music is a big trigger for it, but if I repeated a playlist from when it happened over again it almost certainly wouldn’t happen again. It happens a lot in the pub but only on a Wednesday night when I sit on my own for a good few hours, like this evening for example. But again, it doesn’t happen every time. In fact in recent weeks it hasn’t happened at all. So why is tonight different?
Sometimes it just happens. In the same way that suicidal days just happen for people like me/us. You would be forgiven for believing this elation is a wonderful thing, a release from misery. At the moment it feels amazing but I’ll tell you a secret.
This mood state can be just as destructive as the suicidal one. It is certainly far more insidious. I’ll try and explain it.
Imagine if you will an out of body experience. A meditative state, that moment just before you fall asleep. Basically a bodily state which I’m just going to call floaty light.
Now add into that the sensation of joy. Think of something that made you intensely happy. So now you are a floaty light bubble of euphoria. All good right?
Hold your horses.
In those periods of floaty light joy bubbling I may feel like I can tell my deepest secrets to people because I am far more trusting in this state. This is because I only see others as wonderful beings when I feel like this.
Or maybe I feel like I want to literally shout or sing at the top of my voice in public or late at night outside when it’s dark after coming home from the pub.
Let’s take it up a notch.
How about when I feel like I can literally fly because I am so powerful?. Because I am one with the universe and she’d never let me fall. Or how about when I feel indestructible?. When I feel like I am strong enough to run over roads without thinking about traffic. Without thinking of my own safety at any point.
I hope this sums up the pitfalls of this emotional maelstrom for you. I would boldly suggest that this feeling is harder to deal with that than the epic lows. Simply because as I said earlier, who doesn’t want to feel amazing? Who doesn’t want to feel joy all the time?
Anyway that’s all for this post. Thanks for reading if you’ve got this far.
Sending all my love as always