Swallowed

Dissociation is one the scarier things about BPD. At the moment, like right now, I am almost completely disassociated. It’s a feeling difficult to describe so bear with me. My body doesn’t feel like my own, my limbs are heavy, almost too heavy to lift, I’m looking at the room with someone elses eyes. Imagine the devil on your shoulder from cartoons, that devil is me, whispering instructions to an unfamiliar body. Instead of distracting from bad thoughts I’m feeding them, it feels good, there’s a strange comfort in listening to them. Nobody ever tells you that. I guess it’s controversial to say you sometimes embrace the holes you dig. But this is my life, darkness and light only, never any degrees of grey. Some days I want nothing but life, sometimes I want nothing but a long fall. Today the darkness is winning.

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