I’ve had quite a couple of weeks. Some of the worst ones in a long time. Self confidence in the bin, self worth in the bin. At one point I wasn’t sure if I’d get up.
The fog has lifted somewhat now, but I think the last couple of weeks have changed me in some way. I don’t know how to explain it but I know for certain that the Steph that started the last fortnight, is not the one that ended it.
I feel almost numb. Like these preceding weeks have caused a shut down of some kind.
Don’t get me wrong, I have shut down mentally many times in the past, but this feels different. Like something has been damaged in myself. But what?
I’m thinking more than usual, and that is a tricky feat, trust me. But I’m thinking logically. The conversations I am having with myself, my internal monologue, is being highly logical. I’d go so far as to say, cold.
This differs massively from what my normal monologue is like. Usually my brain’s conversations are pretty wild. They are full of dreams, imaginings. They make up my positives and negatives in a way I can process. Or at least they try. But one thing they are not, is cold.
I’m wondering whether this version of Steph will make it through this Beta stage, or whether it becomes the norm because of its simplicity.
One thing I usually am not is ‘simple’. I reason logically sure, but I always do things my heart makes me do. My brain offers advice and common sense mainly, which are usually ignored by my heart and onwards we go.
There seems to have been a -maybe- temporary disconnect between my heart and mind.
I’ll let you know how it plays out.
Sending love to those who need it.