So I’m in Pembrokeshire with a group of friends for a nice weekend away. However I am incredibly unstable. Scary unstable. I’ve been on a hyper for a couple of days. People just assume I’m drunk and happy. I’m not. I’m off my face and intense. I was told today I’m on the ball and watching me is like watching a stand up comedian. It’s a great compliment but sadly I may be funny but I’m a bit pierro the clown. Sad behind the smile.

My favourite person is here but I’ve been told something about them that has made me distrust them. Its hurting me inside and I’ve just avoided them as much as I can, which is making me more upset. I don’t know what to do about that. I need them, but not if they dont want me in their life. Maybe I finally push too far. It wouldn’t be the first time. I’m a fucking expert in it. I dont think they know what to do. I get that. But I just want to be away from them right now.

I’m on my own right this second swigging vodka and hoping it numbs my senses a bit. Everyone else has gone for lunch. I couldn’t face it. It’s good. I needed time on my own. I’m not used to spending all my time with people. I feel the need to isolate eventually.

It doesn’t help that my best friend is in Australia for three weeks. We are in touch every day still but not having them down the street is not doing me any favours at all.

I just feel wound up really tightly. I could erupt at any second, if I do that here I’m going to embarrass myself so hopefully this alone te will be good for me. We’ll see.

Anyway hope you’re all good x


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