Every now and then my brain tries to kill me. It sounds melodramatic I know but unless you’ve experienced it, you will never quite understand.
These episodes can last a few hours to a few days and can start at any moment. The sun can be bright in the sky, birds singing, and then out of nowhere it hits you like a locomotive. It’s like a drowning sensation, panic at first, desperate for air, and then acceptance as you drift into the nothing. I call it the nothing, mainly because that’s exactly how it feels for me. Nothing matters, nothing means anything, just nothing. The world is muffled somehow, imagine standing in a busy shopping centre with ear plugs in. The world is moving but you have stopped in time and space. It’s a strange moment to be in. You don’t feel love or hate, or sadness or pain, like you may have done beforehand. Its instead a strange peace that I want to hold onto into the dark. People say sometimes when they have a near death experience that they see a bright white light, like God calling them home. It scares me that the only thing calling me is something dark beneath the depths.
It’s hard to believe that all these thoughts can happen in such a short period of time, but the brain is exceptional at what it does, even when it’s wrong.
So I just ride it out. Make the place safe. Until hopefully it passes.