I’m on my own today. The noises have started again so I’ve turned the music up which seems to help. I’m dosed up and still the thoughts persist. Dark, vile thoughts. I’m not in control of them at the moment, I’m wondering if I ever will. Outwardly, in public, I seem ok, I speak coherently. I don’t ramble, I don’t stutter or slur my words. I don’t look sad. But ask me how many times today I’ve thought of death and I will have to say too many to count. There’s no feeling worse than being truly alone in this world, but that is what this disease creates. Something so difficult to describe that you are forced to grasp at cliche soundbites that can never fully encompass how it feels.
Just know that I’m trying my best.
Listening to I hold you by Clann